HIS HEAD WAS LIKE GIGGLE

I'm twenty tomorrow. Officially not a teenager any more. I could not be more excited.A few weeks ago or whatever I might have written about being scared about growing old or I might have been excited. I don't remember. All I know now is that I don't want to be a teenager any more. I don't think I've ever wanted to be a teenager. What's the point of teenagers? Now I'm (almost) twenty, I am technically no longer tied to childhood.

I am free.

I was talking to a friend today about how empathetic I am. I am, kind of. I care a lot about animal welfare, women's rights, human rights violations...

anything medical I really don't give a shit about. Honestly. I know that it's awful or whatever, but some part of me doesn't really care about helping find cures for conditions that are killing people.

I suppose I don't understand everyone's fear of death.

-not that I'm drawn to it particularly, I just...it's a part of life in a perverse way. It's not the only part of life that matters. I wouldn't be very happy if I had cancer, AIDS etc. but I'd like to think that it wouldn't stop me from living my life

I don't want to support cures.

my friend is older than me. he said that he has no abstract empathy for anyone other than his friends and family. Which I can understand. Over the years my empathy has been worn down

I cried when Jessie sang that really sad song on Toy Story 2. I used to cry pretty much every night because I felt bad for something or another. Whether it was a woodlouse or The Little Train that Could. I remember crying a lot thinking about when I left and everything

you know, would be different.

I don't want people to be lonely. I...don't like people being lonely. And the thought of my mother pottering around her house without noise

face in the pillow.

but now, I don't cry at anything. Nothing. At all. I have a partially written rant post that I'm going to finish sometime and post and think

CHRIST I SOUND LIKE A CUNT

but I'm worried about growing older and wearing down. And eventually I might not care about not eating meat. In all honesty, I don't feel as strongly as I used to. Apathy's been creeping in, after 11 years.

but I would never eat meat. I could never eat meat.

no no no no no no no

and I hope I'll always care about abuses in the sex industry. because that's all about stinting development, about being forced to grow up and never doing it

and I suppose that's what I've been worried about. Other people not being young. Other people being hurt

and now I'm twenty, it's too late to worry about being a child. I haven't been a child for so many years. I've always had friends who are older than me, I've always been reading ahead and becoming more involved with THE BIGGER PICTURE than any of my peers. Everyone's always said 'you're really mature' and now

now

finally

I might have caught up with my age.