I'M NOT FADING, I'M NOT FADING.

I brought a tea cup from a trashy second hand cheap shop a few months ago. Water tastes so good with bone china. Tea is for old people, and I'm all for not becoming old until I'm 70, then I can throw rice pudding at children

be the scary old man in the broken down old house.

There was a witch in my village. She had the most amazing huge old house, rust on the metal grill that surrounded her perfect garden. There were never any lights on, there was never anything behind the windows. Just grey. Everything was always just grey. And the door. Her door had a spider-web window hat. I went there once to collect money for animals (animals don't waste money. they chew it up, they shit it out. animals don't waste money) and I saw antlers and a flickering light through the spiderweb. And a dog, barking closer and closer.

I ran. And I thought I saw the devil through that window. For a brief second. And I was so afraid.

I haven't been scared in a shitlong time. I haven't wanted to go out and collect money for animals in a shitlonger time. I'm growing old.

I fucking hate it.

Perspective isn't anything. Perspective is becoming numb. Perspective is forgetting about witches and feeling safe.

I walk through the 'rough parts' of town and I try to feel intimidated. And nothing ever happens. I don't think I'm lucky. I can do anything. I can go anywhere. I am so fucking free.

but I can't be afraid, any more.

so I drink water and ribena in my tea cup. I squirt strawberry sauce in my porridge. I am always the last to bed and I try to sneak watch the free porn channels when no-one's in the room.

so I've got a choice. basically. and I'm trying to choose. I have a chance to fuck my education and run away. and be a child again. and not know that the future's going to be great and i'm going to be rich with space and silver photo frames and fuck it, a garden, and die with the static. and be afraid.

I just want to be afraid.